My Little Ponies

We have lost to SMU in the past. I understand there was a time when the SMU Mustangs were a force to be reckoned with. In fact, there was an ESPN special 30 for 30 episode on it called "The Pony Excess". It looked little dated. All the footage had that classic NFL Films look to it, you know, where everything looks a little slow and grainy. And the background music sounds like the soundtrack from the A-Team (ba bu bum, bum-bum-ba-bum, budda-dum-da-dee-dum, dum-da-didda-diddum). Music doesn't translate well into roman characters, so I guess there really are some limitations to email.

Anyway, thanks to the recently invented World Wide Web I was able to plug in my modem and use WebCrawler to find out exactly how long ago that was. It's like a time warp. Men, it may be time to flip up the color on your pastel colored IZOD, pull on some nice corduroy bermuda shorts and lace up your top-siders. Ladies, get out those big-ass shoulder pads, your unitard, leg warmers and head bands and put that Pat Benetar record to good use. We're going back in time. It was 1984 my friends. That's right, almost 30 years since we last suffered a defeat at the hands of the Mustangs. To be fair, there was a tie in the 1990's, but I've never let facts get in the way when I'm on a roll. And it's been 20 years since we played on the SMU campus. So who knows. I can't get the music of my youth out of my head. (Like a Virgin... Woo! Touched for the very first time... Like a viiiiiiiiiirgin...).

You probably need to know a few things to really enjoy the SMU game. SMU is coached by a guy with a girl's name, "June", as in the Beav's mom. (Hey June, why don't you get in the kitchen and get me frickin' chicken pot pie.) Last year was SMU's best year since 1984, going 8-5 against powerhouse schools like Rice, Memphis and Northwestern State. People who attend SMU have names like Buffy, Hoyt and Penelope and drink tea with their pinky fingers up in the air. SMU is literally in the middle of one of the largest cities in these United States and can't sell out a 32,000 seat stadium named after Gerald Ford (not the President who fell out of helicopters but the Dallas banking mogul).

One day, a long time ago, a heroic Aggie in the corps drew his sword (not a metaphor) to defend Kyle Field from a marauding SMU cheerleader and they can't seem to get over it. At least that's how I choose to portray it. I mean, if our beloved leader can claim to be masterful at defense, foreign policy and creating jobs, then I should be able to say just about anything without fear of reprisal.

I am super thin.

That was easy.

I love the environment and respect the opinions of others.

This is fun.

I invented aluminum foil, space travel and orgasms. I AM YOUR LEADER! BOW DOWN TO ME!!!!

Whoa. Sorry about that. I got caught up in election year stupidity. You know, no one has ever asked to be dropped from the list, but I think today might be the day.

Anyway, the game is at 2:30 and will be aired on Fox Sports. You should be able to spot me in the stands. I'll be the super thin environmentalist spaceman with the huge grin wearing maroon.

I hope you all enjoy watching the game. I think we have a pretty good chance of dominating them.

Gig 'em and Beat the Hell Outta SMU!

- Chuck '96

The Aggies and the Bible

There are so many storylines this season and this week in particular that I can’t cover them all. There are new players and old players, new coaches, new conference, new rivals, old rivals, the media, new stadiums, respect, and on and on. I was trying to think of any other story with the same level of complexity and character diversity and all I could think was that this is biblically epic. That's right, biblical. Here’s how I got there.

So, I had a few beers after I pulled into College Station last night and I got to thinking about the Old Testament. Well, what I really did was earlier I almost hit a tire in the road which made me cuss, which made me wonder if using the word F#@K as an expletive was a sin since it’s not technically blasphemy and wasn’t directed at a person, which made me think it might be a sin since I’m pretty sure mom told me not to use the word so it’s a violation of the “honor thy father and mother” commandment, which made me think of the other commandments which made me think of Moses and the Israelites, which obviously leads to football.

This is my account of how Moses and the Israelites are like Aggie football, or I guess, maybe the other way around is better. This is how Aggie Football is like Moses and the Israelites. There are some legitimate parallels to be drawn here. We have the escape from the evil Egyptians (guess who). Obviously we have the desert heat (my thermometer finally melted this summer when the temperature got to eleventy billion degrees). There’s the matter of having just enough manna (wins) to survive on, but nothing meaty for years. We clearly have all the impatient masses any old testament prophet could want. One might argue that there was the false idol incident (Fran). And then the guy that led us out of the desert doesn’t get to enter the Promised Land (Sherman). It would be better if a guy named Kevin had led the Israelites into the Promised Land instead of Joshua, but I’m probably on thin ice here as it is so it may be better not to push it.

Anyway, the best part is that when Sherman, or Moses rather, lets Joshua take them across the Jordan river, they don’t just receive the Promised Land like government check in the mail (although I’m starting to see the appeal of the socialist state). They have to go in and kick some Canaanite butt to get it. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do to ‘em Ags. We’ve been wandering around the desert for too long and I’m ready for some football salvation.

Now, I don’t want to get too caught up in debating the relative accuracy of the bible according to Chuck. I think we all know already that I’ve been relying for some time on my mother’s prayers, God’s mercy and most importantly His sense of humor for me to have any shot at an eternal life free from painful itching and burning. Highlighting the flaws in my analysis is not important. What is important is to establish a link, however obscure it may be, between the Aggie’s winning tomorrow with God’s will. I’m confident we’ve done just that. And just think, this divine revelation is all because I almost hit a tire in the road. Funny world.

Anyway, you might think that now that we have God firmly on our side we don’t have to do anything else. You know, victory is assured, right? You couldn’t be more wrong. As they say “the Lord helps those who help themselves”. So, I suggest you come out to the tailgate on Saturday and help yourself to some barbecue, beans, sausage, and beer. I think it’s going to be a humdinger of a tailgate. It looks like the party will continue right on through the game as I’ve had a number of people ask if they can come out and just hang out during the game rather than go in. I think that sounds cool. So even if you don’t have tickets, come on out. Reach out to your friends and have them come out. Florida fans are welcome.

I guess I should discuss the game and our opponent in a non-theological context for any godless liberals that might be reading this. OK. We’re playing #24 Florida at 2:30 PM on Saturday. It’s the big ESPN game of the week and Kirk Herbstreit and the College Gameday ®crew will be there. It’s A&M’s first SEC game and it’s legitimately winnable. I won’t bother you with all the stats that don’t support my stance. Instead I’ll only tell you that Florida last year had the same record as A&M and didn’t beat a single team with a winning record. Their offense is suspect (having two starting QB's is the same as having no starting QB's) and they played a lackluster game against powerhouse Bowling Green last week. Their defense is supposed to be pretty stout, but you have to ask yourself this, if those guys were really that good, wouldn’t they be playing for Alabama? I’m telling you, stats don’t lie. Plus we’re starting red-shirt freshman Johnny Manziel. He’s such a badass that the Internet (collectively) has nick named him “Johnny Effin’ Football”, except they use the real French instead of “Effin”. How can you lose with a nickname like that? It’s like “Jarrin’ John Kimbrough”, "Crash Davis" or “Calvin ‘Nuke’ Laloosh”. It’s all setting up to be a very nice game day for the good guys.

I hope to see you all there. Tim and I bought enough beer for everyone to drink responsibly three or four times each on Saturday. The weather is going to be great. Bring friends if you like. It’s an election year so drink early and drink often. We’re easy to find. Look for the Army Truck and the Fire Truck and the big tailgate in the grass outside the East entrance (facing Kyle Field) of Reed Arena. Call me if you have any questions or if you want to take a crack at saving my soul. 817-266-8268. I haven’t done a great job of updating the email list so I’ve probably missed someone you asked me to send this to. Sorry.

Gig ‘em and Beat the Hell Outta Florida!

Chuck '96