The Army Truck

The Army Truck

Friday, November 16, 2012

Sam Houston State - Looking Ahead

It’s Friday morning and I once again find myself in a new and exotic land with a slight headache. This time my host city sounds like something from a Milton Bradley game. It’s Sugarland, a whimsical place with gumdrop traffic lights, lollipop stop signs, crowded freeways, no zoning, and a Starbucks at nearly every intersection. Yeah, in spite of the name it’s still just Houston. But, I have a little time for reflection which historically has proven to be a good thing at least once out of every three times it happens. Here’s hopin’.
Not much going on in Aggie football this week. Sam Houston State is coming to town. The squad from Huntsville is playing well, although they are an FCS team (formerly Div 1 AA). They are 8-2 and are a legitimate title contender in their division. They play sound football, don’t turn it over, run the ball well, and play excellent run defense. My hope is that the Aggies play perfect football. It’s really all you can do against a team like this. If Johnny Effin’ Football goes 20-22 for 250 yards and 4 TD’s and runs for another 100+ yards that’s a good outing. You can’t run up the score, but I don’t think you’re obligated to let them score necessarily. The game is at 2:30 and is only available in Texas on pay per view. Outside of Texas it will be available on ESPN Gameplan. We’ll be serving fajitas at the tailgate. Please come on out. We’d love to have you.
Aside from that there’s not much going on.
Oh, well there was that one thing. The Ags went to Tuscaloosa on Saturday and took down the number one team in college football on the road in dramatic fashion and has been the darling of the media since then with non-stop coverage of Johnny Effin’ Football and his potential as a Heisman finalist on account of his nearly perfect game against the number one defense in the country.
But apart from that, not much is going on in Aggieland.
If you didn’t see it, there’s something clearly wrong with you. But I’ll give you the “world as Chuck sees it” account of the game. Bama wins the toss and is not going to let JFF have the ball first. I’d like to make fun of them for this, but it’s just smart. Our defense forces a three and out and JFF gets his first crack at Bama. God created Johnny out of 195 pounds of pure energy combined with 10 pounds of badass, and a few plays later the Ags scored. Bama gets the ball makes a play or two and then our defense forces Bama’s first interception of the season after a safety delivers a crushing blow to the receiver just after he catches the ball and the ball pops out. Johnny dashes back on the field after using his super powers to return power to thousands of New Yorkers between possessions, and a few plays later the Ags scored. Bama gets the ball and goes three and out. Johnny makes sure the person he just resuscitated with the kiss of life is ok and returns to the field where, a few plays later, the Ags scored. End of the first quarter the score is 20-0 Ags (we missed another extra point).
A bunch of other stuff happens.
Fourth quarter, the Ags are hanging on to a precarious lead. Now only up 23-17 the Ags get the ball. Johnny calmly places his hand on Coach Kevin Damn Sumlin’s shoulder and says “Be at peace”, walks out on the field (although it appears his feet don’t actually touch the ground), and a few plays later the Ags score. We went for two on account of our kicker is the anti-Johnny. We didn’t get it. Ags up 29-17.
A bunch of other stuff happens.
In the final minutes of the game, Bama has the ball and is trying to move downfield. The score is 29-25 Ags. Because Johnny can’t play both offense and defense, he’s just a man after all, Bama quickly moves the ball down to the five yard line. All they have to do is punch it in. This is what may go down as one of the greatest goal line stands in A&M history. The Aggie defense, which has been playing outstanding football all season, stiffens up. First down, no dice. Second down, no dice. Third down, thanks to Dustin Harris’ game saving solo tackle on AJ McCarron, no dice. Fourth down, AJ McCarron rolls to his right, throws, and is picked off. The Ags run out the clock and win. The media goes nuts. The coaches go nuts. Chuck goes nuts. Johnny doesn’t feel like a nut so he has a Mounds bar instead.
I don’t think the Aggies have ever had a week like this where the media just shower them with love (I’m having an internal debate as to whether “the media” is singular or plural, so please forgive any resulting grammatical errors). Johnny, who has been a dark-horse Heisman candidate, now seems guaranteed to receive an invitation to New York. Top national recruits are calling the Ags to see if there’s room on the roster. People are talking about our assistant coaches getting head coaching jobs. Everyone gets a raise. The Ags might go to a BCS bowl game. We are virtually assured of our first ten win season in a long, long time.
Life is good.
Nothing lasts forever, but for now, life is good and I’m really enjoying being an Aggie. Even the worst potbangers in the world have nothing to say. Life is good.
Well, I do have this one problem. I need tickets for tomorrow’s game. Who in the world would think that I’d be over-committed on tickets for the Sam Houston State game? Right? Oh well. It’s like I tell my kids, sometimes shit don’t work out the way you want it to. Anyway, if you’re one of the people I’ve committed tickets to, you’re fine. But I told some other folks I’d try to find them some tickets. So, if you have extra tickets or know of someone with extra tickets, please let me know. Thanks.
Gig’em and Beat The Hell Outta Sam Houston State!
Chuck ‘96

Friday, November 9, 2012

Sweet Home Alabama

There are two kinds of Aggies in the world, those who understand that Johnny Effin’ Football will eventually be able to achieve space travel without all those cumbersome rockets and such, and those who live under a rock, in the desert, in Australia, reading Sylvia Plath and wondering what ever happened to that kid from the Wonder Years. Against yet another top 25 opponent, Mississippi State, Johnny put up more ego crushing numbers, going 30-36 for 311 yards and rushing for another 129 yards and 2 TD’s in a 38-13 rout. JFF lead the SEC in Total Offense, Scoring Offense, Rushing Offense, Kittens Saved, Passing Offense and Points Responsible for and remains the object of Kirk Herbstreit’s unhealthy (and a little creepy) hetero man-crush.
Over the last four weeks the Ags have played three top 25 teams. And, apart from dropping the heart-breaker to the Swamp Kittens, they have held up incredibly well, primarily on the road in the SEC no less. This week they go into Tuscaloosa with an opportunity to shake up the BCS title race by beating the #1 ranked Crimson Tide in their own house.
…speaking of “Crimson Tide”, I did a little checking on the internet for the meaning. Crimson Tide is the common name of the algae Karenia Brevis. It’s also a girly cocktail made of Vodka and Pomegranate juice, a pretty decent Denzel Washington movie and a slang term for, uhhh… shall we say “Aunt Flo”. Well anyway, my point is that I haven’t found anything that sounds fearsome about Crimson Tide (except maybe that last one). And yeah, I get that being the “Aggies” isn’t too intimidating either, but it beats being the “Maroon Horizon” or the “Humid Breeze” or whatever other nonsense would be in the same category as “Crimson Tide”.
Sorry.
Rant Over.
For now.
So, I reached out to some of my peeps about the sick, all-black unis that the Ags wore in Starkville last week. The universal response was that those threads were wheels-off. If you didn’t see it, the Bulldogs wore pretty white fairy costumes to commemorate the 11 year, 10 month and 4 day anniversary of their win over the Ags in the 2000 Independence Bowl. It was a Snow Bowl party. We showed up for the festivities in all black uniforms and brought the hosts a carefully gift wrapped ass-kicking. You could tell that they had spent a lot of time preparing for the party and I’m just glad we were able to be a part of it.
…speaking of parties, Tim and I went on a reconnaissance mission to Baton Rouge last weekend to study the local culture and determine how we might be able to tailgate there next year for the A&M/LSU game without it turning into some kind of Swamp People meets Deliverance fiasco. I don’t know that we’ve ever been as warmly welcomed by random people as we were down there. The food was fantastic. The beer was cold and plentiful. And the ire of the coon-asses was directed primarily at those folks from Bama. We heard “Tiger Bait!” shouted out all the time. It was a great game day atmosphere. It was perfect. Well, except that LSU let them back in it at the end and all those drunk Cajuns had to go home angry. Tim and I got the hell outta town before it got ugly and we’re determined to go back.
One of the problems I’m running into when it comes to writing these emails is that I don’t have 20+ years of SEC relationships to dwell on. For example, I’ve been told that Bama fans are every bit as arrogant and condescending as t.u. fans are, except without all the education and money. But they haven’t been that way to me yet. I know less about them than I do about salsa dancing. So as I try to come up with witty zingers about the Tide, all I can think is, man, I feel sorry for those toothless bastards. They’ve got nothing to live for but Bama football and UFO sightings. It seems unfair to try to take away the one, solitary thing Alabama as a state has going for it (well, apart from its relatively lofty academic standards which only appear “lofty” when compared to its neighbors Mississippi and Tennessee). But, see, that’s my dilemma. I’m stuck making academic jokes about Alabama because that’s the obvious, easy joke. It’s like making fun of Joe Biden for being an idiot. People that know him better make fun of him being a drunk, mean-spirited idiot. I’m sorry that was out of line (forgot the formality). Vice President Joe Biden is a… …well, anyway.
So, I find myself wondering, “How are we ever gonna beat Aunt Flo?” I thought about asking my wife, but I suspect, particularly if I asked it that way, her response would be “shut the hell up, you’re not funny.” (I actually get that quite a bit. It’s not her fault. She doesn’t really like football that much.) Still the question needs to be answered. And after careful consideration I believe we have a good chance of beating Bama if we can be effective on first downs and not turn the ball over. If we can get ahead early and force them to play catch up we’ll be better off. I wouldn’t say it’s likely that we will win, but I think we’ve got a better chance of winning tomorrow than Mack Brown has of keeping his job after this season. We have the 5th ranked offense and the 46th ranked defense. Bama has the #2 defense and the 48th ranked offense. It’s not exactly an even match-up, but it’s not crazy to think we have a shot either. A win would be HUGE for Texas A&M and would set up an incredible finish to an already successful first season in the SEC.
So, that’s what I’m hoping for. The game is at 2:30 on CBS tomorrow. Every American, including the stone-age broadcast television recipients, will be able to watch it (as opposed to the wronghorn fans who have to have a website dedicated to identifying the few bars and restaurants that will be able to air their LHN-only game against Iowa State). The shame, of course, is that almost no one may be able to tune in to watch Iowa State beat the hell outta t.u. But about a zillion people will have a chance to watch Johnny Effin’ Football get after it against the Menstrual Mastodons of Tuscaloosa. Now that’s entertainment!
Gig ‘em and Beat the Hell Outta Alabama!
Chuck ‘96

Friday, November 2, 2012

Mississippi State

Short email today. Theresa said my last one wasn't funny and I figured, hell, I can achieve "not funny" with a lot less effort.

We beat the hell outta Auburn last week. Most yards Auburn has ever given up. Starters were pulled after one series in the second half as part of one of our Aggie charity programs to help the under-privileged.

This week we take on Mississippi State in what promises to be a good game. State hasn't beaten anyone of note this year, but they are ranked so we'll see. Maybe they really don't suck anymore. Or... Well some things change and some things don't.

Hopefully we're healed up by tomorrow. Coach Sumlin, for example, had to tend to his sore feet on Sunday after he developed blisters from kicking Gene Chizik's butt so hard the day before.

Johnny Effin Football stoked some controversy when photos of him surfaced dressed up for Halloween surrounded by beautiful, half naked women. I, for one, was shocked that beautiful college women would be interested in star athletes. Oh, the things I would have done differently if I had only known...

Things you should know about Miss. State: Not much. Maroon uniforms. SEC West doormat. Coached by Aggie legend Jackie Sherril from 1991 to 2003. Beat A&M in the 2000 Independence Bowl. Game at 11:00 tomorrow on ESPN.

Beat the Hell Outta Mississippi State!

Chuck '96

See, short and dull, like the list of t.u. fans still supporting Mack Brown these days