FIRST HOME GAME Y'ALL!!!!!

I probably don’t need to tell you about our game last week.  So much has already been written, said and otherwise expressed in Carolina expletives about that woodshed beating that there’s just not much for me to add.  Ours was the debut game on the new SEC Network and it was a humdinger.  Sophomore QB Kenny Hill played lights out and passed for over 500 yards against a SC defense that was supposed to be pretty decent.  A&M’s defense held up very well against what was supposed to be the best offensive line in the SEC.  The final result, a previously overlooked A&M is now a top ten team with three cupcakes on the docket.  Life is pretty good right now, apart from a couple of injuries.  A.J. Hilliard, a transfer linebacker from TCU, dislocated his ankle (ouch!) and Cam Clear, our massive Tight End, sprained his.  Everyone else is ok and the rookies looked pretty good for the most part.

 

Side story about South Carolina.  One of our friends was in a restaurant before the game in Columbia.  The Ags came on TV and she let out a WHOOP.  A nicely dressed elderly lady came up to her and told her she would murder her if she ever did that again.  Apparently Miss Daisy was dead serious too.  Welcome to the SEC, Christine.  What do you say to a woman like that?

 

You say, Whoooooooooop!  Beeeyyyaaatttcccchhh.

 

South Carolina is coached by the legendary Steve Spurrier.  Steve had a lot to say about the game after the fact, but I think this one quote sums it up completely, “we are still, and always will be, embarrassed by our performance Thursday night.”

 

In other news, the first tailgate of the year is coming up.  Excitement at the Berend house is palpable (which as it turns out is different from palpatable, but not as different as you might think).  I’ve been telling Theresa for weeks now about how excited I was to have everyone get liquored up and check out my sausage.  I’ve got the cooker in our driveway, which I think is awesome.  My assumption is that when people see it they think “if I win the lottery I’m going to have a cooker like that.”  I’m pretty sure Theresa thinks we look like Honey Boo Boo’s family, cookin’ up the road kill I hit on the drive home last night.  After 17 years of marriage I’ve learned the key to a happy life is for her to let me have my delusions, and the tailgate, and beer.

 

What, you may ask, are we celebrating with this first glorious tailgate?  Nothing less than the first game ever in Kyle Field 2.0.

 

And who will be our first guest in this grid iron gala?  Nothing less than LAMAR UNIVERSITY!!!!

 

Oh yeahhhhhh….

 

Look, I don’t know anything about Lamar and honestly I’m too lazy to do the research.  This isn’t a Wile E. Coyote ACME rocket situation.  No sir.  No research necessary.  A lion doesn't need a plan for killing the slowest gazelle, he just does it. 

 

Well, Lamar is the slowest gazelle.  What do you really need to know about the damn gazelle anyway?

 

Maybe something.  Here’s a little history of the slowest gazelle.  Lamar is a small university in Beaumont, TX. Well, not that small.  They have about 14,000 students.  Anyway, one day, early in the history of Lamar Univeristy, for the very first time ever, and for every day after that, no one cared.

 

Scheduling quirks aside, it’s a great time to be watching A&M football live and in color. And even if you don’t go to the game, you can just stay at the tailgate and help us celebrate the end of Not Season with some of the finest beer in Texas.  Our friends at Real Ale, Brooklyn Brewery and Sierra Nevada have stepped up again to make sure no Red Solo Cup goes dry on our watch.  Country music from a bygone era of feathered hair and unreasonably tight blue jeans will fill the air.  The barbecue is guaranteed to make you want to drink more of that fine craft beer.  And I believe we will have our lovely bartender back as well.

 

For the regulars, if you'll drop me a line if you're coming then I know more or less how many people to expect, although you should feel free to drop in regardless. The more the merrier.  In a reversal of prior policy, if you're dying to help out with a side dish, a little physical labor or a few dead presidents, we're no longer too proud to accept help. This party has simply gotten bigger than we could have ever imagined but I just don't see us stopping any time soon.

 

It’s going to be a good time and you’ll be glad you came.  The game starts at 6:30 PM, which means all day to socialize.  I hope you’ll come out and join the  party.  We’ll be in the same place as the ten prior years, outside the East entrance to Reed Arena.  Look for the big Army truck and all the happy Aggies.

 

Gig ‘em and Beat the Hell Outta Lamar!

 

Chuck  ‘96

Witty subjects are hard to write: Aggies Gamecocks and Other Musings

There’s a lot to talk about this year. Seems like that’s the case every year. One of these days I’d like to have an Alabama situation where there’s nothing to talk about until the title game, and then it’s just “So, where do you guys want to go celebrate afterward?” I don’t see us having that particular discussion this season. There are too many question marks on defense, too much youth and inexperience and an unsettled quarterback position.

The media geniuses have us finishing anywhere from 9-3 to 6-6.  To be fair, the guy picking us to go 6-6 is named "Booger."  Booger MacFarland was a 300 lbs defensive tackle at LSU and later for the Bucs.  I'm pretty sure he could have asked to be called anything in the world, including "Your Highness" or "Mega Man" and he'd have gotten his way.  But he picked "Booger."

Booger.

Boooooooooogerrrrrrrr.

Yeah, I can't get over that.

He picked Booger.

He could have picked 12 random letters from a Scrabble bag and come up with a more confidence-inspiring name than "Booger."

Anyway, enough about Booger's picking.  (that's a lot of set up to get to booger picking)

The truth is everyone is focused on losing 3 first round picks on offense, and losing three meaningful starters on defense.  The quick version of my personal belief is that we'll be able to reload on offense and how could we possibly be any worse on defense?

We did lose three of my all-time favorite players off one of our very best offenses ever.  But after the first round no one else got drafted, so everyone else we lost was average at best.  We lost top ten pick at left tackle Jake Matthews, and we're replacing  him with 2015 top ten draft pick at left tackle Cedric Obueghi.  I'm good there.  We lost Mr. Post-game Interview himself, Mike Evans, at WR.  I think we'll miss him, but not as much as you might assume.  There's an embarrassment of talent behind him on the roster, including Louisiana freshman phenom Speedy Noil.  I think we are all going to like Speedy.

So what about ol' JFF?  Can Aggie Football survive without Mr. Football?  I actually think the offense will be just as prolific without Johnny, maybe more. Sumlin's offense is based on taking what the defense is giving, and a lot of times that means a short check-down pass.  Johnny didn't  throw those passes much. Right or wrong, that just wasn't how he ran this offense.  You'll see Kenny Hill throw fewer deep passes, but a lot more short stuff and hopefully we'll wind up in fewer 3rd and long situations.

The defense, Lordy Lordy, that defense was bad last year.  There's not really another way to say it.  If you haven't kept up, we had a bad defense last year and we followed it up by dismissing our two best defenders during the Not Season (that's the "other" season, Football Season being the first).  The bright spots on the field last year were Isaiah Golden and Darian Claiborne, both of whom were thrown off the team for dealing drugs and beating people up. They needed to go. We'll be better off without them in the long run, and maybe in the short run too.  And overall I don't see any way that the defense can be any worse.  We were extremely thin up front last year, pretty light and pretty young.  We're still pretty young, but we've addressed the other concerns.  Having more depth and size up front will make it easier for the secondary to play their positions and not cheat up.  I predict that our defensive backs are going to look much improved, but it's all due to improved play on the line.

That said, I just hope Howard Matthews doesn't get burned on a wheel rout early in the year.

In other news, I don't know if anyone heard about this -- it was announced in the Longhorn Network so probably not -- but t.u. hired a new coach this off season.  There's so much to be said about that whole deal that I can't fit it all in one email.  Mack Brown, the second most successful coach in t.u. history got fired last year.  It was rumored that t.u. was going to hire Nick Saban for $10 Million per year, but that didn't happen.  Also not taking the position were Jim Tressell, Jim Harbaugh, Urban Meyer, Art Briles or anyone else that was on the first and second list.  They eventually hired Charlie Strong, who appears to be a short, bald, African-middle-earthian hobbit.  Charlie is all about discipline, so he kicked about 7 players of the team for violating the team's strict five-strike drug testing policy.  A couple of others were dismissed for violations of the team's lesser known policies on violence and sexual assault.  For the first time in a long, long time, no t.u. players were selected in the NFL draft.  The team also lost its longhorn decals, the right to walk on the longhorn in the carpet, the right to live as adults (they all moved into the dorms), the right to self govern (the coaches also moved into the dorms), their smoothie bar and the right to throw the hook 'em sign.  Recruiting has been craptastic for the last couple of years and there's not a lot of depth at key positions.  Against the advice of his family and doctors, oft-injured quarterback David Ash is going to come back and try to play again (concussions).  The outlook on the 40 acres is bleak.  Heh, heh,  heh...I'm loving this.

A better man would not revel in all of this.

Well, just like I remind my wife during most fights, a better man isn't here right now. You're stuck with me.

Hello.  Theresa here.  Ummm, I never ever insert myself into these things, but I have to say that other than Chuck's schadenfreude regarding the t.u. situation, he is actually a very good man and I never say that shit to him. That is all.

My guess is they go 6-6, maybe 7-5.  They're going to get smoked by Baylor, OU, UCLA, KSU and hopefully Tech (just 'cause it's extra humiliating) and MAYBE lose to a couple more (BYU and possible OSU).  Think about that for a second, it's basically a foregone conclusion that t.u. can't keep up with Baylor.  Bwaaaahaaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaa...

Ok. Enough of that.  There's a whole season of t-sip misery ahead of us.  I don't want to be accused of premature emasculation.  Back to Aggie football.

We're headed to Columbia, SC this week (figuratively speaking, of course, because I will not be actually attending since I have an important form to fill out and maybe an unmemorable meeting to attend) to play the University of South Carolina Gamecocks on Thursday night.  USCe as they are sometimes called has been good for several years now.  The old Ball Coach, Steve Spurrier, is at the helm for the 9th year, I think.  He's been successful everywhere he's been. Well, everywhere except the Redskins where he was 12-20 and got fired after two seasons.  But, if you put that out of your  mind, you can see how playing against a Spurrier team on the road seems like an insurmountable task.  Obviously we're doomed.  There's no hope.

Then again, Coach Kevin Damn Sumlin, while certainly less experienced, is no slouch either.  In fact, his prolific use of recent technological innovations (like the telephone) may give KDS an advantage in recruiting and relating to his players.  Honestly, I'm not sure Spurrier knows what to do with Facebook.  He thinks Instagram is just a really fast grandparent.  And Twitter is what his heart did back in the roaring twenties when he took his sweetheart to a Charlie Chaplin film and she held his hand for the first time.  I bet Charlie wasn't the only tramp that night, if you know what I mean...

...hell, I don't even know what I mean.  I'm just making stuff up.  But my point is that Steve is old and Kevin is young.

Young & Hip vs. Just Replaced Hip

Speaking of new and awesome, Kyle Field is amazing.  I'll just leave it at that for now. Go to College Station and take a look sometime.  Un-freakin-believable.  Wow.

Anyway, I'm pretty excited about this season.  We could really surprise some folks.  It's kind of a tall task with a new quarterback and an unproven defense, but I'm still excited.

As always, if you want to get off the list for any reason at all, it won't hurt my feelings one bit.  Just send me an email that states why you aren't cool enough to be included any longer and a $5 disconnect fee, $10 if you don't want to have to explain it.  If you send $20, you can get someone else dropped for no reason at all.  For $100 I'll call your name out at the tailgate and say a prayer for you at mass.  I won't tell you what $1,000 gets you, but it's totally not worth it unless you're a girl, and probably not then either.

If you want to add someone to the list, just send me an email address and tell me if they have any allergies I should know about.  Last year I invited discussion on some of the emails, but it turned out that not everyone agreed with me, so it wasn't the ego boost I was expecting.  Live and learn, I guess.

Gig 'em and Beat the Hell Outta South Carolina!

Chuck '96

Witty subjects are hard to write: Aggies Gamecocks and Other Musings

There’s a lot to talk about this year. Seems like that’s the case every year. One of these days I’d like to have an Alabama situation where there’s nothing to talk about until the title game, and then it’s just “So, where do you guys want to go celebrate afterward?” I don’t see us having that particular discussion this season. There are too many question marks on defense, too much youth and inexperience and an unsettled quarterback position.

The media geniuses have us finishing anywhere from 9-3 to 6-6. To be fair, the guy picking us to go 6-6 is named "Booger." Booger MacFarland was a 300 lbs defensive tackle at LSU and later for the Bucs. I'm pretty sure he could have asked to be called anything in the world, including "Your Highness" or "Mega Man" and he'd have gotten his way. But he picked "Booger."

Booger.

Boooooooooogerrrrrrrr.

Yeah, I can't get over that.

He picked Booger.

He could have picked 12 random letters from a Scrabble bag and come up with a more confidence-inspiring name than "Booger."

Anyway, enough about Booger's picking. (that's a lot of set up to get to booger picking)

The truth is everyone is focused on losing 3 first round picks on offense, and losing three meaningful starters on defense. The quick version of my personal belief is that we'll be able to reload on offense and how could we possibly be any worse on defense?

We did lose three of my all-time favorite players off one of our very best offenses ever. But after the first round no one else got drafted, so everyone else we lost was average at best. We lost top ten pick at left tackle Jake Matthews, and we're replacing him with 2015 top ten draft pick at left tackle Cedric Obueghi. I'm good there. We lost Mr. Post-game Interview himself, Mike Evans, at WR. I think we'll miss him, but not as much as you might assume. There's an embarrassment of talent behind him on the roster, including Louisiana freshman phenom Speedy Noil. I think we are all going to like Speedy.

So what about ol' JFF? Can Aggie Football survive without Mr. Football? I actually think the offense will be just as prolific without Johnny, maybe more. Sumlin's offense is based on taking what the defense is giving, and a lot of times that means a short check-down pass. Johnny didn't throw those passes much. Right or wrong, that just wasn't how he ran this offense. You'll see Kenny Hill throw fewer deep passes, but a lot more short stuff and hopefully we'll wind up in fewer 3rd and long situations.

The defense, Lordy Lordy, that defense was bad last year. There's not really another way to say it. If you haven't kept up, we had a bad defense last year and we followed it up by dismissing our two best defenders during the Not Season (that's the "other" season, Football Season being the first). The bright spots on the field last year were Isaiah Golden and Darian Claiborne, both of whom were thrown off the team for dealing drugs and beating people up. They needed to go. We'll be better off without them in the long run, and maybe in the short run too. And overall I don't see any way that the defense can be any worse. We were extremely thin up front last year, pretty light and pretty young. We're still pretty young, but we've addressed the other concerns. Having more depth and size up front will make it easier for the secondary to play their positions and not cheat up. I predict that our defensive backs are going to look much improved, but it's all due to improved play on the line.

That said, I just hope Howard Matthews doesn't get burned on a wheel rout early in the year.

In other news, I don't know if anyone heard about this -- it was announced in the Longhorn Network so probably not -- but t.u. hired a new coach this off season. There's so much to be said about that whole deal that I can't fit it all in one email. Mack Brown, the second most successful coach in t.u. history got fired last year. It was rumored that t.u. was going to hire Nick Saban for $10 Million per year, but that didn't happen. Also not taking the position were Jim Tressell, Jim Harbaugh, Urban Meyer, Art Briles or anyone else that was on the first and second list. They eventually hired Charlie Strong, who appears to be a short, bald, African-middle-earthian hobbit. Charlie is all about discipline, so he kicked about 7 players of the team for violating the team's strict five-strike drug testing policy. A couple of others were dismissed for violations of the team's lesser known policies on violence and sexual assault. For the first time in a long, long time, no t.u. players were selected in the NFL draft. The team also lost its longhorn decals, the right to walk on the longhorn in the carpet, the right to live as adults (they all moved into the dorms), the right to self govern (the coaches also moved into the dorms), their smoothie bar and the right to throw the hook 'em sign. Recruiting has been craptastic for the last couple of years and there's not a lot of depth at key positions. Against the advice of his family and doctors, oft-injured quarterback David Ash is going to come back and try to play again (concussions). The outlook on the 40 acres is bleak. Heh, heh, heh...I'm loving this.

A better man would not revel in all of this.

Well, just like I remind my wife during most fights, a better man isn't here right now. You're stuck with me.

Hello. Theresa here. Ummm, I never ever insert myself into these things, but I have to say that other than Chuck's schadenfreude regarding the t.u. situation, he is actually a very good man and I never say that shit to him. That is all.

My guess is they go 6-6, maybe 7-5. They're going to get smoked by Baylor, OU, UCLA, KSU and hopefully Tech (just 'cause it's extra humiliating) and MAYBE lose to a couple more (BYU and possible OSU). Think about that for a second, it's basically a foregone conclusion that t.u. can't keep up with Baylor. Bwaaaahaaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaa...

Ok. Enough of that. There's a whole season of t-sip misery ahead of us. I don't want to be accused of premature emasculation. Back to Aggie football.

We're headed to Columbia, SC this week (figuratively speaking, of course, because I will not be actually attending since I have an important form to fill out and maybe an unmemorable meeting to attend) to play the University of South Carolina Gamecocks on Thursday night. USCe as they are sometimes called has been good for several years now. The old Ball Coach, Steve Spurrier, is at the helm for the 9th year, I think. He's been successful everywhere he's been. Well, everywhere except the Redskins where he was 12-20 and got fired after two seasons. But, if you put that out of your mind, you can see how playing against a Spurrier team on the road seems like an insurmountable task. Obviously we're doomed. There's no hope.

Then again, Coach Kevin Damn Sumlin, while certainly less experienced, is no slouch either. In fact, his prolific use of recent technological innovations (like the telephone) may give KDS an advantage in recruiting and relating to his players. Honestly, I'm not sure Spurrier knows what to do with Facebook. He thinks Instagram is just a really fast grandparent. And Twitter is what his heart did back in the roaring twenties when he took his sweetheart to a Charlie Chaplin film and she held his hand for the first time. I bet Charlie wasn't the only tramp that night, if you know what I mean...

...hell, I don't even know what I mean. I'm just making stuff up. But my point is that Steve is old and Kevin is young.

Young & Hip vs. Just Replaced Hip

Speaking of new and awesome, Kyle Field is amazing. I'll just leave it at that for now. Go to College Station and take a look sometime. Un-freakin-believable. Wow.

Anyway, I'm pretty excited about this season. We could really surprise some folks. It's kind of a tall task with a new quarterback and an unproven defense, but I'm still excited.

As always, if you want to get off the list for any reason at all, it won't hurt my feelings one bit. Just send me an email that states why you aren't cool enough to be included any longer and a $5 disconnect fee, $10 if you don't want to have to explain it. If you send $20, you can get someone else dropped for no reason at all. For $100 I'll call your name out at the tailgate and say a prayer for you at mass. I won't tell you what $1,000 gets you, but it's totally not worth it unless you're a girl, and probably not then either.

If you want to add someone to the list, just send me an email address and tell me if they have any allergies I should know about. Last year I invited discussion on some of the emails, but it turned out that not everyone agreed with me, so it wasn't the ego boost I was expecting. Live and learn, I guess.

Gig 'em and Beat the Hell Outta South Carolina!

Chuck '96

Farewell, Old Friend

I’ve often thought about how my friends aren’t perfect. And I don’t really want them to be, actually. Who would want to have to live up to that?

“Hey, Chuck.”

“Hey there, Prescott Worthington III. What have you been up to?”

“Not much. I got home early from teaching that Calculus/Bikram Yoga class, so I just had enough time rebuild the tranny in my ’67 Camaro before I whipped up a soufflé for the little missus. She’s been working so hard since she won the MacArthur Genius Grant and I thought a little something sweet might be just the thing. And you?”

“uhhhhh… …same here. [under breath] Sonofabitch…”

Luckily, my friends aren’t like that. I’ve got this one friend. A big fella. Kind of a giant really. Some might consider this friend, well, a little funny looking. My friend can be loud, a little crazy, sometimes fickle and more than a little old fashioned. Oh yeah, and my friend used to smell like bat poop.

Who did you think I was talking about? I’m talking about Kyle Field.

I’ve been going to Kyle Field for not nearly as long as some of you. My relationship only goes back to 1992, but I’ve had a great time and as near as I can tell I’ve been to around 110 games there. After tomorrow Kyle Field will change forever. Nearly as soon as the final whistle blows they will begin to tear down this venerable football cathedral and they will replace it with “New and Improved Kyle Field.” I’m probably going to be a little nostalgic about the whole affair.

I already miss the horseshoe, DeWare and G. Rollie White. I’ll add Kyle Field to my list of missing buildings. I’ll miss the old rickety bleachers. I’ll remember mugging down at yell practice and still wish I had done more of it. We used to have all University night at Kyle, which I can’t describe here because I don’t want my kids to know about it, but that was fun. I don’t think I’ll miss the smell of bat poop or standing in a puddle of pee when I have to pee. Big bathrooms and wide concourses will be nice. The idea of shade, even if it’s for someone else, doesn’t sound too bad. So maybe it really will be better. But I still expect to be a little sad about my last visit to Kyle Field the way I knew her.

The one thing I hope to see from new Kyle Field is more winning. I like the heck out of winning and if this will make more winning happen then I’m all for it.

Last week we beat the crap out of, well, someone… oh yeah, UTEP. There’s not a lot to say about it. UTEP is bad and it showed. I won’t dwell on the game much, but it is worth noting that we held them to under 200 yards of total offense. The defense looked the way they should against an inferior team, which is saying something because a lot of times this year they haven’t.

This week we welcome to town the Mississippi State Bulldogs. We smacked them around pretty good last year. I hope to do it again this year. They are not a bad team, although their record is not stellar. They are physically very large in the trenches and they run the ball pretty well. We could have some trouble with them. I don’t think they’ll have an answer for the Manziel/Evans conundrum, and it could even be a blowout. I’m just expecting a hard fought game where we don’t beat the spread, but come out with a decent win and start getting ready for LSU after a week off.

I went looking for Mississippi State jokes on the internet and came up a little short. I think it’s telling that a google search for “Mississippi State Bulldogs” yielded only 3,020,000 results, but a search for “used toilet paper” yielded 41,000,000 results. Most of the jokes I found were standard fare. I found two that I liked and have included them below.

Q: What do a Mississippi State student and an Ole Miss student have in common?

A: They both got into State.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at State?

A: They cause too much brain damage.

I know it’s low brow. I think, to steal a phrase from sports, I’m playing down to my competition. Sorry.

The tailgate should be really nice this weekend. The game is at 2:30, the weather will be good and the food should be solid (ribs, beans and French fries... and beer). Come on down and enjoy the afternoon. We’ll be looking for you.

Gig ‘em and Beat the Hell Outta Mississippi State!

- Chuck ‘96

 

All that and a side of Rice . . .

It's that time of year again. I've been doing this long enough and I'm bad enough at it that I can't even remember what I say from year to year. Hopefully the schtick isn't getting too tiresome. And if it is you can always just delete it, or automatically route me to your junk mail. Just don't tell me about it. I've put on a few pounds just here lately and I've been feeling a little self conscious. I've not been sleeping well worrying about whether or not Johnny has enough dough for new rims. It's a lot to have on your mind. A rejection on my writing, when I'm so close to the Pulitzer, might be more than I'm ready for.

This is the first time I can ever remember where we have a legitimate shot at a national championship. There are tough teams in the way, but I really think it could happen. I'm not saying it's likely by any stretch, but it's possible. If we beat Alabama on September 14ththe path looks a lot less daunting after that. Now, that's a big if. Alabama doesn't appear to have lost much from last year and I understand their singular focus this year is stopping Johnny Football.

But, none of that really matters at the moment. What matters now is that the NCAA has cleared Johnny Football to play this season after he serves a half game suspension for inadvertantly enabling an autograph broker to make money off his likeness or image. Go Johnny. Go Johnny' lawyers. Go figure?

Believe it or not, there are TWO football games we have to play before the rematch of the year takes place on September 14th. We have to get by Rice this weekend (12:00 PM - Kyle Field) and Sam Houston State next weekend. You can laugh off the Rice game, but don't forget we'll be missing three defensive starters for the game and JFF for half the game. I'm not suggesting that we'll lose. I mean the spread is -26.5. Vegas thinks we'll run away with it. But it might take a little more effort than some folks believe.

By the way, are you coming to the tailgate? We're hauling all that junk down there tomorrow. We're going to get set up early and be ready for folks by the thousands, ok hundreds, maybe dozens, hell I don't know, I can think of two people for sure. Figure on snacky stuff before the noon game and burgers and hot dogs after. And french fries. Lots of french fries.

I don't often ask for help, but if you've ever wanted ways to help out in addition to your continuing financial generosity (cough, cough...), we're kind of screwed on chairs. We've broken and thrown away more chairs than I can count and we're running out. Absolutely no one should feel obligated to do anything, but if you wanted to pick up one or two of those folding A&M chairs to help re-stock the supply (they only last for so long), that would be very helpful. If not, no worries. Tim and I worked out a deal where the pretty girls with no chairs could sit in my lap and the rest can sit in Tim's lap. And if that doesn't light your fire, you may consider the chair thing. And just to be clear, we'll view these chairs as very generous donations to the tailgate and you'll be appreciated forever, probably.

Other than that the only thing I'd like to say is how much I appreciate everyone who bothers to come hang out with us and bothers to read these emails. I know that I'm not JK Rowling and I'm certainly not Chef Emeril. We sincerely hope that everyone has fun with all of this Aggie Football stuff and, to the extent that we're able to help make that happen, we're just pleased to be part of it.

I promise to be back to my sarcastic humor failings next week, or maybe the week after that, maybe. I just can't shake the feeling that JFF is going to give me something else to lose sleep over.

Gig 'em and Beat the Hell Outta Rice, and that Rovell character that threw JFF under the bus! Seriously, if you see him, punch him in the nads for me.

- Chuck '96

10 Days . . .

My heart is aflutter and Chuck can barely sleep because . . .

Sam Houston State - Looking Ahead

It’s Friday morning and I once again find myself in a new and exotic land with a slight headache. This time my host city sounds like something from a Milton Bradley game. It’s Sugarland, a whimsical place with gumdrop traffic lights, lollipop stop signs, crowded freeways, no zoning, and a Starbucks at nearly every intersection. Yeah, in spite of the name it’s still just Houston. But, I have a little time for reflection which historically has proven to be a good thing at least once out of every three times it happens. Here’s hopin’.

Not much going on in Aggie football this week. Sam Houston State is coming to town. The squad from Huntsville is playing well, although they are an FCS team (formerly Div 1 AA). They are 8-2 and are a legitimate title contender in their division. They play sound football, don’t turn it over, run the ball well, and play excellent run defense. My hope is that the Aggies play perfect football. It’s really all you can do against a team like this. If Johnny Effin’ Football goes 20-22 for 250 yards and 4 TD’s and runs for another 100+ yards that’s a good outing. You can’t run up the score, but I don’t think you’re obligated to let them score necessarily. The game is at 2:30 and is only available in Texas on pay per view. Outside of Texas it will be available on ESPN Gameplan. We’ll be serving fajitas at the tailgate. Please come on out. We’d love to have you.

Aside from that there’s not much going on.

Oh, well there was that one thing. The Ags went to Tuscaloosa on Saturday and took down the number one team in college football on the road in dramatic fashion and has been the darling of the media since then with non-stop coverage of Johnny Effin’ Football and his potential as a Heisman finalist on account of his nearly perfect game against the number one defense in the country.

But apart from that, not much is going on in Aggieland.

If you didn’t see it, there’s something clearly wrong with you. But I’ll give you the “world as Chuck sees it” account of the game. Bama wins the toss and is not going to let JFF have the ball first. I’d like to make fun of them for this, but it’s just smart. Our defense forces a three and out and JFF gets his first crack at Bama. God created Johnny out of 195 pounds of pure energy combined with 10 pounds of badass, and a few plays later the Ags scored. Bama gets the ball makes a play or two and then our defense forces Bama’s first interception of the season after a safety delivers a crushing blow to the receiver just after he catches the ball and the ball pops out. Johnny dashes back on the field after using his super powers to return power to thousands of New Yorkers between possessions, and a few plays later the Ags scored. Bama gets the ball and goes three and out. Johnny makes sure the person he just resuscitated with the kiss of life is ok and returns to the field where, a few plays later, the Ags scored. End of the first quarter the score is 20-0 Ags (we missed another extra point).

A bunch of other stuff happens.

Fourth quarter, the Ags are hanging on to a precarious lead. Now only up 23-17 the Ags get the ball. Johnny calmly places his hand on Coach Kevin Damn Sumlin’s shoulder and says “Be at peace”, walks out on the field (although it appears his feet don’t actually touch the ground), and a few plays later the Ags score. We went for two on account of our kicker is the anti-Johnny. We didn’t get it. Ags up 29-17.

A bunch of other stuff happens.

In the final minutes of the game, Bama has the ball and is trying to move downfield. The score is 29-25 Ags. Because Johnny can’t play both offense and defense, he’s just a man after all, Bama quickly moves the ball down to the five yard line. All they have to do is punch it in. This is what may go down as one of the greatest goal line stands in A&M history. The Aggie defense, which has been playing outstanding football all season, stiffens up. First down, no dice. Second down, no dice. Third down, thanks to Dustin Harris’ game saving solo tackle on AJ McCarron, no dice. Fourth down, AJ McCarron rolls to his right, throws, and is picked off. The Ags run out the clock and win. The media goes nuts. The coaches go nuts. Chuck goes nuts. Johnny doesn’t feel like a nut so he has a Mounds bar instead.

I don’t think the Aggies have ever had a week like this where the media just shower them with love (I’m having an internal debate as to whether “the media” is singular or plural, so please forgive any resulting grammatical errors). Johnny, who has been a dark-horse Heisman candidate, now seems guaranteed to receive an invitation to New York. Top national recruits are calling the Ags to see if there’s room on the roster. People are talking about our assistant coaches getting head coaching jobs. Everyone gets a raise. The Ags might go to a BCS bowl game. We are virtually assured of our first ten win season in a long, long time.

Life is good.

Nothing lasts forever, but for now, life is good and I’m really enjoying being an Aggie. Even the worst potbangers in the world have nothing to say. Life is good.

Well, I do have this one problem. I need tickets for tomorrow’s game. Who in the world would think that I’d be over-committed on tickets for the Sam Houston State game? Right? Oh well. It’s like I tell my kids, sometimes shit don’t work out the way you want it to. Anyway, if you’re one of the people I’ve committed tickets to, you’re fine. But I told some other folks I’d try to find them some tickets. So, if you have extra tickets or know of someone with extra tickets, please let me know. Thanks.

Gig’em and Beat The Hell Outta Sam Houston State!

Chuck ‘96

Sweet Home Alabama

There are two kinds of Aggies in the world, those who understand that Johnny Effin’ Football will eventually be able to achieve space travel without all those cumbersome rockets and such, and those who live under a rock, in the desert, in Australia, reading Sylvia Plath and wondering what ever happened to that kid from the Wonder Years. Against yet another top 25 opponent, Mississippi State, Johnny put up more ego crushing numbers, going 30-36 for 311 yards and rushing for another 129 yards and 2 TD’s in a 38-13 rout. JFF lead the SEC in Total Offense, Scoring Offense, Rushing Offense, Kittens Saved, Passing Offense and Points Responsible for and remains the object of Kirk Herbstreit’s unhealthy (and a little creepy) hetero man-crush.

Over the last four weeks the Ags have played three top 25 teams. And, apart from dropping the heart-breaker to the Swamp Kittens, they have held up incredibly well, primarily on the road in the SEC no less. This week they go into Tuscaloosa with an opportunity to shake up the BCS title race by beating the #1 ranked Crimson Tide in their own house.

…speaking of “Crimson Tide”, I did a little checking on the internet for the meaning. Crimson Tide is the common name of the algae Karenia Brevis. It’s also a girly cocktail made of Vodka and Pomegranate juice, a pretty decent Denzel Washington movie and a slang term for, uhhh… shall we say “Aunt Flo”. Well anyway, my point is that I haven’t found anything that sounds fearsome about Crimson Tide (except maybe that last one). And yeah, I get that being the “Aggies” isn’t too intimidating either, but it beats being the “Maroon Horizon” or the “Humid Breeze” or whatever other nonsense would be in the same category as “Crimson Tide”.

Sorry.

Rant Over.

For now.

So, I reached out to some of my peeps about the sick, all-black unis that the Ags wore in Starkville last week. The universal response was that those threads were wheels-off. If you didn’t see it, the Bulldogs wore pretty white fairy costumes to commemorate the 11 year, 10 month and 4 day anniversary of their win over the Ags in the 2000 Independence Bowl. It was a Snow Bowl party. We showed up for the festivities in all black uniforms and brought the hosts a carefully gift wrapped ass-kicking. You could tell that they had spent a lot of time preparing for the party and I’m just glad we were able to be a part of it.

…speaking of parties, Tim and I went on a reconnaissance mission to Baton Rouge last weekend to study the local culture and determine how we might be able to tailgate there next year for the A&M/LSU game without it turning into some kind of Swamp People meets Deliverance fiasco. I don’t know that we’ve ever been as warmly welcomed by random people as we were down there. The food was fantastic. The beer was cold and plentiful. And the ire of the coon-asses was directed primarily at those folks from Bama. We heard “Tiger Bait!” shouted out all the time. It was a great game day atmosphere. It was perfect. Well, except that LSU let them back in it at the end and all those drunk Cajuns had to go home angry. Tim and I got the hell outta town before it got ugly and we’re determined to go back.

One of the problems I’m running into when it comes to writing these emails is that I don’t have 20+ years of SEC relationships to dwell on. For example, I’ve been told that Bama fans are every bit as arrogant and condescending as t.u. fans are, except without all the education and money. But they haven’t been that way to me yet. I know less about them than I do about salsa dancing. So as I try to come up with witty zingers about the Tide, all I can think is, man, I feel sorry for those toothless bastards. They’ve got nothing to live for but Bama football and UFO sightings. It seems unfair to try to take away the one, solitary thing Alabama as a state has going for it (well, apart from its relatively lofty academic standards which only appear “lofty” when compared to its neighbors Mississippi and Tennessee). But, see, that’s my dilemma. I’m stuck making academic jokes about Alabama because that’s the obvious, easy joke. It’s like making fun of Joe Biden for being an idiot. People that know him better make fun of him being a drunk, mean-spirited idiot. I’m sorry that was out of line (forgot the formality). Vice President Joe Biden is a… …well, anyway.

So, I find myself wondering, “How are we ever gonna beat Aunt Flo?” I thought about asking my wife, but I suspect, particularly if I asked it that way, her response would be “shut the hell up, you’re not funny.” (I actually get that quite a bit. It’s not her fault. She doesn’t really like football that much.) Still the question needs to be answered. And after careful consideration I believe we have a good chance of beating Bama if we can be effective on first downs and not turn the ball over. If we can get ahead early and force them to play catch up we’ll be better off. I wouldn’t say it’s likely that we will win, but I think we’ve got a better chance of winning tomorrow than Mack Brown has of keeping his job after this season. We have the 5^th ranked offense and the 46^th ranked defense. Bama has the #2 defense and the 48^th ranked offense. It’s not exactly an even match-up, but it’s not crazy to think we have a shot either. A win would be HUGE for Texas A&M and would set up an incredible finish to an already successful first season in the SEC.

So, that’s what I’m hoping for. The game is at 2:30 on CBS tomorrow. Every American, including the stone-age broadcast television recipients, will be able to watch it (as opposed to the wronghorn fans who have to have a website dedicated to identifying the few bars and restaurants that will be able to air their LHN-only game against Iowa State). The shame, of course, is that almost no one may be able to tune in to watch Iowa State beat the hell outta t.u. But about a zillion people will have a chance to watch Johnny Effin’ Football get after it against the Menstrual Mastodons of Tuscaloosa. Now that’s entertainment!

Gig ‘em and Beat the Hell Outta Alabama!

Chuck ‘96

Mississippi State

Short email today. Theresa said my last one wasn't funny and I figured, hell, I can achieve "not funny" with a lot less effort.

We beat the hell outta Auburn last week. Most yards Auburn has ever given up. Starters were pulled after one series in the second half as part of one of our Aggie charity programs to help the under-privileged.

This week we take on Mississippi State in what promises to be a good game. State hasn't beaten anyone of note this year, but they are ranked so we'll see. Maybe they really don't suck anymore. Or... Well some things change and some things don't.

Hopefully we're healed up by tomorrow. Coach Sumlin, for example, had to tend to his sore feet on Sunday after he developed blisters from kicking Gene Chizik's butt so hard the day before.

Johnny Effin Football stoked some controversy when photos of him surfaced dressed up for Halloween surrounded by beautiful, half naked women. I, for one, was shocked that beautiful college women would be interested in star athletes. Oh, the things I would have done differently if I had only known...

Things you should know about Miss. State: Not much. Maroon uniforms. SEC West doormat. Coached by Aggie legend Jackie Sherril from 1991 to 2003. Beat A&M in the 2000 Independence Bowl. Game at 11:00 tomorrow on ESPN.

Beat the Hell Outta Mississippi State!

Chuck '96

See, short and dull, like the list of t.u. fans still supporting Mack Brown these days

On the road again . . .

At the time of this writing I am many thousands of feet above the Nevada desert headed East in an aluminum tube with 160 other people who all appear to all feel the same way I do (let’s call it “unsettled”). For the middle of the day, it is surprisingly quiet. It’s giving me a little time to reflect on last week’s game against LSU and this week’s game against Auburn.

The cynics in sports will say there are no moral victories. And I get where they’re coming from. Winning is what matters most. Whatever #2 is, it’s way the hell back there. Would you rather lose a close game to a great team or beat a so-so team by 35? I think most people, including me, would take the “W” because losses suck. But not every loss is a complete failure. I mean, sure, this one feels like failure because we were in it, had a lead and could have won. And then we blew it. Feels awful. So, maybe in this case it would feel better if it had been a back and forth game and LSU had just out-manned us.

“Well Boys, we fought the good fight. Gave ‘em a run for their money. They were just bigger, faster, and stronger. There’s no shame in losing. We did the best we could. Keep a stiff upper lip. We’ll get better over time. Blah, blah, blah… [puke]”

Yeah, maybe that would feel better.

Well, to quote one my military heroes, Colonel Sherman Potter, I say “Horse hockey!” I just don’t see it that way. If that were the case, if we were just out-manned, we’d have no reason to be optimistic about the rest of this season. What in the world would we look forward to? Not much. Well I do feel optimistic about this season. What happened to us is we made mistakes. And, yeah, it sucks to let a game like that slip away. But, we can correct mistakes (and we’re not getting any faster or taller between now and February). We can get better at decision-making, turnovers, penalties, route-running and the like. We showed we were man enough to take on the big boys and give them all they could handle for most of the game.

At the beginning of the year, 13 out of 14 SEC teams thought we were going to get beat like a kid who stole something. A lot of SEC fans penciled in a little “W” next to the Texas A&M game on the pocket schedule their realtors mailed them over the summer. We were an afterthought. Now, I promise you, we have their full attention.

If you didn’t watch the LSU game, first of all, it’s probably your fault we lost. I won’t explain the mechanics of it, but rest assured, you should feel guilty it’s probably better if you don’t tell me who you are. The game played out a lot like the Florida game. We raced out to an early lead and then struggled to move the ball for a while. Our defense held up very well for most of the game, but gave up three touchdowns, each after an untimely turnover. We missed field goals, a PAT and were unable to put points on the board after a 76 yard kick return. But, we also put up the most yards that LSU has given up in the last 18 games. We held them to 2 of 16 on third down conversions. Our book-end tackles Joeckel and Matthews more than held their own against LSU’s incredible pass-rush and may have cemented their status as the best tackles in college football. As juniors both are projected to be top 10 picks in this year’s NFL draft. Demontre Moore played big boy football and added to his already gaudy sack and TFL totals. He is also projected to go in the top 10 in this year’s draft (unless we can convince him to stay). We're a good team.

Yeah, we’ve got their attention alright. Even Nick Satan, I mean Saban, is thinking about us.

This week we go to Auburn to play a team in disarray. With Auburn at 1-6, just two years removed from a National championship, coach Gene Chizik is on the hottest of hot seats. It’s gonna get bad over there. For a touch of perspective, just think about all the hand-wringing going on in Austin right now over a 5-2 wrongwhorn team. Mack's on the hot seat. I imagine an irritated crowd of t-shirt fans sticking their carefully manicured hands out of their BMW windows to give Mack the one finger salute as they drive down I-35. Now, replace that group with an angry mob of Alabama rednecks who may not be able to count all 6 losses because their spare hand is holding a pitchfork, but they know it’s a whole lot more than their one win which ain’t good. And they know where coach Chizik lives because it’s the only house in town without wheels.

Yeah, I’ll take the Barton Creek crowd any day.

The problem with Auburn is that they actually do have talent on the roster and they’re desperate. They’re like a cornered animal. A loss to us means they’re eliminated from bowl contention before November, which ain’t good. It also means that Gene Chizik may have to find a new job, which also ain’t good (at least if you’re Gene) cause it most likely involves about a 90% pay cut. I have to believe that we’re going to get Auburn’s best shot on Saturday.

But, I also think that we can win without too much trouble if we play our game and if we’re focused. Our last couple of outings have shown that we can do amazing things one moment and then immediately turn around and wet the bed. We will need to cut out the bed wetting and play relatively mistake free football Saturday. Auburn will be loud and crazy. Hopefully we’ll punch them in the face and not let them get any big ideas. This is the first game in a three game SEC road trip that starts and ends in the state of Alabama with a side trip to currently undefeated Mississippi State sandwiched in the middle. It will be helpful if we don’t wind up in a slugging match and accidentally get someone hurt before we travel to Tuscaloosa two weeks later to take our third shot at a top 10 ranked SEC team.

I thought I should start throwing in some semi-factual tidbits about the SEC teams we play so that people who aren’t already familiar with the SEC can have just enough information to start a bar fight. Auburn’s mascot is Aubie the Tiger. It’s such an original mascot that only two other teams in the conference use the same animal. Everyone loves tigers, they’re Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! But, to confuse matters, they also have “war eagle’. War Eagle is actually just a battle cry, although they have had live eagles for years and the eagle circles the stadium before the game getting everyone riled up. The official word from the University is that “we’re the Tigers who say ‘War Eagle’.” The official word from everyone else is that this is a retarded explanation because you actually have a damn eagle.

The best known landmark in Auburn is Toomer’s Corner, a beautiful park area with two grand old oak trees that fans will wrap in toilet paper any time something good happens to Auburn. It was in the news a while back when maybe the dumbest Alabama fan (out of a world-class collection of incredibly stupid fans) famously poisoned the ancient oak trees, AND THEN CALLED A RADIO SHOW TO BRAG ABOUT IT. They *69ed his butt and he now resides in an 8X10 hospital jail cell (an upgrade over the wheeled domicile he had been occupying prior to his epic brainfart). Roll tide indeed. Anyway, his trial is scheduled to begin soon, but is temporarily on hold while they examine his brain after stunning revelations that he may have a screw loose.

That’s the news as I choose to report it.

Gig’em and Beat the Hell Outta Auburn!

Chuck ‘96