There are two kinds of Aggies in the world, those who understand that Johnny Effin’ Football will eventually be able to achieve space travel without all those cumbersome rockets and such, and those who live under a rock, in the desert, in Australia, reading Sylvia Plath and wondering what ever happened to that kid from the Wonder Years. Against yet another top 25 opponent, Mississippi State, Johnny put up more ego crushing numbers, going 30-36 for 311 yards and rushing for another 129 yards and 2 TD’s in a 38-13 rout. JFF lead the SEC in Total Offense, Scoring Offense, Rushing Offense, Kittens Saved, Passing Offense and Points Responsible for and remains the object of Kirk Herbstreit’s unhealthy (and a little creepy) hetero man-crush.
Over the last four weeks the Ags have played three top 25 teams. And, apart from dropping the heart-breaker to the Swamp Kittens, they have held up incredibly well, primarily on the road in the SEC no less. This week they go into Tuscaloosa with an opportunity to shake up the BCS title race by beating the #1 ranked Crimson Tide in their own house.
…speaking of “Crimson Tide”, I did a little checking on the internet for the meaning. Crimson Tide is the common name of the algae Karenia Brevis. It’s also a girly cocktail made of Vodka and Pomegranate juice, a pretty decent Denzel Washington movie and a slang term for, uhhh… shall we say “Aunt Flo”. Well anyway, my point is that I haven’t found anything that sounds fearsome about Crimson Tide (except maybe that last one). And yeah, I get that being the “Aggies” isn’t too intimidating either, but it beats being the “Maroon Horizon” or the “Humid Breeze” or whatever other nonsense would be in the same category as “Crimson Tide”.
Sorry.
Rant Over.
For now.
So, I reached out to some of my peeps about the sick, all-black unis that the Ags wore in Starkville last week. The universal response was that those threads were wheels-off. If you didn’t see it, the Bulldogs wore pretty white fairy costumes to commemorate the 11 year, 10 month and 4 day anniversary of their win over the Ags in the 2000 Independence Bowl. It was a Snow Bowl party. We showed up for the festivities in all black uniforms and brought the hosts a carefully gift wrapped ass-kicking. You could tell that they had spent a lot of time preparing for the party and I’m just glad we were able to be a part of it.
…speaking of parties, Tim and I went on a reconnaissance mission to Baton Rouge last weekend to study the local culture and determine how we might be able to tailgate there next year for the A&M/LSU game without it turning into some kind of Swamp People meets Deliverance fiasco. I don’t know that we’ve ever been as warmly welcomed by random people as we were down there. The food was fantastic. The beer was cold and plentiful. And the ire of the coon-asses was directed primarily at those folks from Bama. We heard “Tiger Bait!” shouted out all the time. It was a great game day atmosphere. It was perfect. Well, except that LSU let them back in it at the end and all those drunk Cajuns had to go home angry. Tim and I got the hell outta town before it got ugly and we’re determined to go back.
One of the problems I’m running into when it comes to writing these emails is that I don’t have 20+ years of SEC relationships to dwell on. For example, I’ve been told that Bama fans are every bit as arrogant and condescending as t.u. fans are, except without all the education and money. But they haven’t been that way to me yet. I know less about them than I do about salsa dancing. So as I try to come up with witty zingers about the Tide, all I can think is, man, I feel sorry for those toothless bastards. They’ve got nothing to live for but Bama football and UFO sightings. It seems unfair to try to take away the one, solitary thing Alabama as a state has going for it (well, apart from its relatively lofty academic standards which only appear “lofty” when compared to its neighbors Mississippi and Tennessee). But, see, that’s my dilemma. I’m stuck making academic jokes about Alabama because that’s the obvious, easy joke. It’s like making fun of Joe Biden for being an idiot. People that know him better make fun of him being a drunk, mean-spirited idiot. I’m sorry that was out of line (forgot the formality). Vice President Joe Biden is a… …well, anyway.
So, I find myself wondering, “How are we ever gonna beat Aunt Flo?” I thought about asking my wife, but I suspect, particularly if I asked it that way, her response would be “shut the hell up, you’re not funny.” (I actually get that quite a bit. It’s not her fault. She doesn’t really like football that much.) Still the question needs to be answered. And after careful consideration I believe we have a good chance of beating Bama if we can be effective on first downs and not turn the ball over. If we can get ahead early and force them to play catch up we’ll be better off. I wouldn’t say it’s likely that we will win, but I think we’ve got a better chance of winning tomorrow than Mack Brown has of keeping his job after this season. We have the 5th ranked offense and the 46th ranked defense. Bama has the #2 defense and the 48th ranked offense. It’s not exactly an even match-up, but it’s not crazy to think we have a shot either. A win would be HUGE for Texas A&M and would set up an incredible finish to an already successful first season in the SEC.
So, that’s what I’m hoping for. The game is at 2:30 on CBS tomorrow. Every American, including the stone-age broadcast television recipients, will be able to watch it (as opposed to the wronghorn fans who have to have a website dedicated to identifying the few bars and restaurants that will be able to air their LHN-only game against Iowa State). The shame, of course, is that almost no one may be able to tune in to watch Iowa State beat the hell outta t.u. But about a zillion people will have a chance to watch Johnny Effin’ Football get after it against the Menstrual Mastodons of Tuscaloosa. Now that’s entertainment!
Gig ‘em and Beat the Hell Outta Alabama!
Chuck ‘96
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