I'll miss Ole Miss - But it'll all be ok, I guess

There’s no Dixie Chicken in Fort Worth. So I stopped at a Fort Worth original with similar characteristics, Fred’s Texas, to write this. When you drink a beer at Fred’s there’s two things you can almost always count on finding at the bottom of the bottle, backwash and inspiration. Problem is that after a few beers it can be tough to distinguish between the two. Here’s hoping…

Coming off a complete dismantling of Arkansas the Ags are probably riding pretty high. It was an old fashioned woodshed beating and that little piggy went “wee, wee, wee” all the way home. I’d feel bad for them, but I don’t recall any such sympathy from those guys last year when our promising season went down the toilet like a doobie during a drug bust (for the record I do not now, nor have I ever smoked weed, although ten million pot heads probably aren’t completely wrong). Anyway, our defense kept their offense out of the endzone for the last three quarters (in spite of giving up a lot of yards). The offense dazzled as 10 different receivers caught passes and we racked up over 700 yards of offense on way to a 58-10 drubbing of the Fayetteville swine posse. A little rain came and went. No biggie. It was not enough to dampen the party or the game. Johnny Effin’ Football just added to his legendary status, a mere four games into his pre-professional career. He literally ran circles around the defense. What can you say? Johnny be good!

This week the boys travel to Oxford, MS to take on Ole Miss. Ole Miss has a storied past and a checkered present. Home to Archie Manning, Eli Manning and that dude from the Blind Side (you know the one where Sandra Bullock goes all hot southern badass from Memphis and whips some racist country club ass). She’s on top of my list of people who would be perfect if they were just a little more like my wife. Anyway, Ole Miss put up a better fight against ‘Bama last week than they had against t.u. the week before. At risk of sounding like Lou Holtz, I don’t think we should overlook the Rebels. They’ve got a heck of a QB and they’re playing at home. We’ll have to have our game faces on to not suffer a let-down. Let’s hope KDS (Kevin “Damn” Sumlin, a reference to the SEC media days when he said “damn” no fewer than 17 times in his inaugural press conference) has his team focused for a tougher than projected match up with the quickly improving Rebels.

There’s probably a lot of funny stuff to be said about the Rebs, but I’m in a bar and don’t have good internet access to look it up. Here’s what I know. Those folks know how to party. I wish I was there. They have cocktails, table clothes, chandeliers, silverware and servants. We don’t have anything like that. We have beer and French fries. I bet they have chamber music and debutantes. We have Merle Haggard and Daisy Dukes.

Well.

I do like Merle Haggard.

The game is at 6:00 PM . That gives you enough time to handle all that family stuff your wife, or husband I guess, wants you to do, then go to Wal-Mart to buy her (or him I guess) a romance novel and the kids a new cartoon DVD, lock them out of your man (or women I guess) cave, and watch this ever so important game with your buddies. Hopefully it all works for you. I will be in the comfort of my own home watching the game and planning the tailgate for the LSU game that is a mere two weeks away. So crack open a beer, hold your pinky in the air in honor of our new southern friends, and get ready for our first SEC road game.

Gig ‘em and Beat the Hell Outta Ole Miss!

Chuck ‘96

Arkansas - WOW - LSU coming up in a couple of weeks

OK. First of all, wow. I'm not sure what else you say about the woodshed beating we put on the Razorbacks. If you didn't watch it, shame on you.

We're playing Ole Miss this weekend in Oxford, MS and Louisiana Tech in Shreveport next weekend. I can't attend either of those games although I would really like to hit them both. They are both winnable games against teams that are playing pretty well right now. La Tech is undefeated and we're really the only thing standing between them and a perfect season. I'll have more to say about each game as it gets closer.

The big thing is going to be the LSU game on the 20th. It looks like we'll be 5-1 and they'll be undefeated (depending on how the Florida game goes) for a big time showdown of ranked teams.

Tickets are very difficult to get. Hotel rooms in College Staton, nearly impossible. And I expect the tailgate to be quite possibly the most incredible tailgate in the history of human existence. I have not figured out how to chainsaw a living tiger, so that's out, but this is still going to be one heck of a party.

The whole reason I bring it up now, two and a half weeks early, is that I want to make sure you all have a chance to figure out how to get down there for the party whether you've got tickets or not. You can just hang out at the tailgate and watch the game on all those TV's. Hell, there's no beer in the stadium anyway, the tailgate might be more enjoyable anyway? Tim is going to work up the biggest non-Lenten catfish fry in Texas and I'm going to provide leaedership and moral support. We're working on at least one musical act (Texas country), maybe two. We'll definitely have bartenders (maybe some shot girls) and a good time will be had by all.

This is not a party to be missed. We have to show all those cajuns what they've been missing all these years. I hope to see you all there.

Gig 'em,

Chuck '96

My Little Ponies

We have lost to SMU in the past. I understand there was a time when the SMU Mustangs were a force to be reckoned with. In fact, there was an ESPN special 30 for 30 episode on it called "The Pony Excess". It looked little dated. All the footage had that classic NFL Films look to it, you know, where everything looks a little slow and grainy. And the background music sounds like the soundtrack from the A-Team (ba bu bum, bum-bum-ba-bum, budda-dum-da-dee-dum, dum-da-didda-diddum). Music doesn't translate well into roman characters, so I guess there really are some limitations to email.

Anyway, thanks to the recently invented World Wide Web I was able to plug in my modem and use WebCrawler to find out exactly how long ago that was. It's like a time warp. Men, it may be time to flip up the color on your pastel colored IZOD, pull on some nice corduroy bermuda shorts and lace up your top-siders. Ladies, get out those big-ass shoulder pads, your unitard, leg warmers and head bands and put that Pat Benetar record to good use. We're going back in time. It was 1984 my friends. That's right, almost 30 years since we last suffered a defeat at the hands of the Mustangs. To be fair, there was a tie in the 1990's, but I've never let facts get in the way when I'm on a roll. And it's been 20 years since we played on the SMU campus. So who knows. I can't get the music of my youth out of my head. (Like a Virgin... Woo! Touched for the very first time... Like a viiiiiiiiiirgin...).

You probably need to know a few things to really enjoy the SMU game. SMU is coached by a guy with a girl's name, "June", as in the Beav's mom. (Hey June, why don't you get in the kitchen and get me frickin' chicken pot pie.) Last year was SMU's best year since 1984, going 8-5 against powerhouse schools like Rice, Memphis and Northwestern State. People who attend SMU have names like Buffy, Hoyt and Penelope and drink tea with their pinky fingers up in the air. SMU is literally in the middle of one of the largest cities in these United States and can't sell out a 32,000 seat stadium named after Gerald Ford (not the President who fell out of helicopters but the Dallas banking mogul).

One day, a long time ago, a heroic Aggie in the corps drew his sword (not a metaphor) to defend Kyle Field from a marauding SMU cheerleader and they can't seem to get over it. At least that's how I choose to portray it. I mean, if our beloved leader can claim to be masterful at defense, foreign policy and creating jobs, then I should be able to say just about anything without fear of reprisal.

I am super thin.

That was easy.

I love the environment and respect the opinions of others.

This is fun.

I invented aluminum foil, space travel and orgasms. I AM YOUR LEADER! BOW DOWN TO ME!!!!

Whoa. Sorry about that. I got caught up in election year stupidity. You know, no one has ever asked to be dropped from the list, but I think today might be the day.

Anyway, the game is at 2:30 and will be aired on Fox Sports. You should be able to spot me in the stands. I'll be the super thin environmentalist spaceman with the huge grin wearing maroon.

I hope you all enjoy watching the game. I think we have a pretty good chance of dominating them.

Gig 'em and Beat the Hell Outta SMU!

- Chuck '96

The Aggies and the Bible

There are so many storylines this season and this week in particular that I can’t cover them all. There are new players and old players, new coaches, new conference, new rivals, old rivals, the media, new stadiums, respect, and on and on. I was trying to think of any other story with the same level of complexity and character diversity and all I could think was that this is biblically epic. That's right, biblical. Here’s how I got there.

So, I had a few beers after I pulled into College Station last night and I got to thinking about the Old Testament. Well, what I really did was earlier I almost hit a tire in the road which made me cuss, which made me wonder if using the word F#@K as an expletive was a sin since it’s not technically blasphemy and wasn’t directed at a person, which made me think it might be a sin since I’m pretty sure mom told me not to use the word so it’s a violation of the “honor thy father and mother” commandment, which made me think of the other commandments which made me think of Moses and the Israelites, which obviously leads to football.

This is my account of how Moses and the Israelites are like Aggie football, or I guess, maybe the other way around is better. This is how Aggie Football is like Moses and the Israelites. There are some legitimate parallels to be drawn here. We have the escape from the evil Egyptians (guess who). Obviously we have the desert heat (my thermometer finally melted this summer when the temperature got to eleventy billion degrees). There’s the matter of having just enough manna (wins) to survive on, but nothing meaty for years. We clearly have all the impatient masses any old testament prophet could want. One might argue that there was the false idol incident (Fran). And then the guy that led us out of the desert doesn’t get to enter the Promised Land (Sherman). It would be better if a guy named Kevin had led the Israelites into the Promised Land instead of Joshua, but I’m probably on thin ice here as it is so it may be better not to push it.

Anyway, the best part is that when Sherman, or Moses rather, lets Joshua take them across the Jordan river, they don’t just receive the Promised Land like government check in the mail (although I’m starting to see the appeal of the socialist state). They have to go in and kick some Canaanite butt to get it. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do to ‘em Ags. We’ve been wandering around the desert for too long and I’m ready for some football salvation.

Now, I don’t want to get too caught up in debating the relative accuracy of the bible according to Chuck. I think we all know already that I’ve been relying for some time on my mother’s prayers, God’s mercy and most importantly His sense of humor for me to have any shot at an eternal life free from painful itching and burning. Highlighting the flaws in my analysis is not important. What is important is to establish a link, however obscure it may be, between the Aggie’s winning tomorrow with God’s will. I’m confident we’ve done just that. And just think, this divine revelation is all because I almost hit a tire in the road. Funny world.

Anyway, you might think that now that we have God firmly on our side we don’t have to do anything else. You know, victory is assured, right? You couldn’t be more wrong. As they say “the Lord helps those who help themselves”. So, I suggest you come out to the tailgate on Saturday and help yourself to some barbecue, beans, sausage, and beer. I think it’s going to be a humdinger of a tailgate. It looks like the party will continue right on through the game as I’ve had a number of people ask if they can come out and just hang out during the game rather than go in. I think that sounds cool. So even if you don’t have tickets, come on out. Reach out to your friends and have them come out. Florida fans are welcome.

I guess I should discuss the game and our opponent in a non-theological context for any godless liberals that might be reading this. OK. We’re playing #24 Florida at 2:30 PM on Saturday. It’s the big ESPN game of the week and Kirk Herbstreit and the College Gameday ®crew will be there. It’s A&M’s first SEC game and it’s legitimately winnable. I won’t bother you with all the stats that don’t support my stance. Instead I’ll only tell you that Florida last year had the same record as A&M and didn’t beat a single team with a winning record. Their offense is suspect (having two starting QB's is the same as having no starting QB's) and they played a lackluster game against powerhouse Bowling Green last week. Their defense is supposed to be pretty stout, but you have to ask yourself this, if those guys were really that good, wouldn’t they be playing for Alabama? I’m telling you, stats don’t lie. Plus we’re starting red-shirt freshman Johnny Manziel. He’s such a badass that the Internet (collectively) has nick named him “Johnny Effin’ Football”, except they use the real French instead of “Effin”. How can you lose with a nickname like that? It’s like “Jarrin’ John Kimbrough”, "Crash Davis" or “Calvin ‘Nuke’ Laloosh”. It’s all setting up to be a very nice game day for the good guys.

I hope to see you all there. Tim and I bought enough beer for everyone to drink responsibly three or four times each on Saturday. The weather is going to be great. Bring friends if you like. It’s an election year so drink early and drink often. We’re easy to find. Look for the Army Truck and the Fire Truck and the big tailgate in the grass outside the East entrance (facing Kyle Field) of Reed Arena. Call me if you have any questions or if you want to take a crack at saving my soul. 817-266-8268. I haven’t done a great job of updating the email list so I’ve probably missed someone you asked me to send this to. Sorry.

Gig ‘em and Beat the Hell Outta Florida!

Chuck '96

The First Official Aggie Email

Yaaaaawwwwwwnnnnn. I would have never guessed that not watching the Ags play La. Tech would be just as boring as watching it. I hate Thursday night football, and now I have nothing to do except worry about the Florida game which is over a week away. It’s too early to start talking about the Florida game. That’s next week. So what should we talk about this week? If I came up with a silly joke, who would it be about? Who should I make fun of?

I can think of a certain socialist disguised as a democrat that I could work over, but even in Texas you run the risk of accidentally offending the occasional democrat. And then again, as I think it through there is the idea of what would happen if Hawaii’s own Harvard-educated Chicago Community Activist ran college football. I’m assuming at the beginning of each season teams like Alabama, USC and Michigan would have to give teams like Bowling Green, UNT and Tulane 40% of their athletic budget, because, you know, those that can afford to give a little more should do it. It’s only fair. I bet all those democrats in Austin would be singing a different tune then…

But politics is probably off limits.

Religion? That might even be a stretch for me.

I guess there’s “stuff” to talk about.

- It was announced this week that the A&M Arkansas game would return to Arlington next season and for the foreseeable future. And while it was not officially announced, it has been rumored that part of the negotiations with Arkansas included Arkansas stepping aside and allowing the Ags to make the LSU game our new annual Thanksgiving game. Turkey gumbo?

- I’ve noticed that the papers are discussing how t.u. is playing “SEC-like football”. If that’s just like playing actual SEC football, then I’m going to go get Theresa some “diamond-like” jewelry. “Don’t come in the bedroom kids, I’m expecting something just like genuine appreciation…”

- The Ags have announced plans for a replaced/renovated Kyle Field that would be larger and more impressive than anything yet seen by human eyes. If history is any indication our historically frugal former students will spring for something slightly less than overwhelming. We’ll plan for Adele (Big and Beautiful) and wind up with Macy Gray (well, big anyway…).

- Jerome Solomon stated in his Houston Chronicle article that he never thought a school like A&M would hire a black head coach (I guess because we’re all racists?). Ironically between Austin and College Station, the Ags have a much better record of hiring diversity at top positions, but perceptions can be hard to deal with. For example, I perceive that Jerome Solomon is a moron.

There’s probably more, but I can’t think of anything. The off-season sucks. Having the first game of the season cancelled feels very much like high-school dating. You’ve waited soooooo long. All the anticipation. You’re almost there. You start to get “that feeling”. Everything looks like it’s going to work out. You even went to the store to get a raincoat (so to speak) for protection. And then before you can even get the damn thing out of its package everything stops abruptly and you have to go home. It seems like everyone else is getting to do it. But not you! And no amount of sound reasoning will convince you of anything except that you got hosed! #*&^#$!!!

Sorry. I got stuck in a flashback.

Anyway, we’ll be back at it next week. For our first game of the season we have the Florida Gators coming to town. I’ll probably have something better to say next week. With any luck I’ll get to use that raincoat.

Gig ‘em and Beat The Hell Outta Rain Delay!

Chuck ‘96

First the Pointer Sisters, then Van Halen, then Kriss Kross - Now the Aggies

Jump baby.

Apparently jumping has been part of the American social fabric for decades. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that even the Aggies have been lining up to do a little jumping of their own. First they jumped to conclusions, then they jumped off the bandwagon. Now they're starting to jump off of cliffs. It's like watching a bunch of lemmings fighting their way to edge to be the next to take the fatal plunge into the seas of self loathing.

If I could take this ill fated analogy even a step further, I'd suggest that maybe the Aggies should try taking a leap instead. Because it will take a leap, a plain old jump won't do it. Take a leap of faith that 1. this season has been an aberration and 2. that even if it isn't the sun will rise tomorrow.

Somehow we've gotten to a bad place this season. The numbers don't look good and there's no real explanation for it. This team has not lived up any one's expectations. Not their own, not the coaches', not the administration's, and least important of all, not the fans'. OK. That sucks. I get it.

But, and I can say this comfortably because no one that I know takes this as seriously as I do, it's time to let it go. The past is in the past. I've analyzed it a hundred times and my opinion is that the coaching staff should, for the most part, be left in tact. I'd like to maybe see an offensive coordinator put in place. There's just too much happening during the game for the head coach to do both jobs. That's my opinion and it's worth less than you paid for it. At a price of $0.00 you got ripped off.

So what is a fan to do? Well, I usually look for wisdom in the bottom of a bottle which hasn't been working so far this season, so I'll do a 180 and refer back to what the alcoholics say, the serenity prayer. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

We can't jump off that cliff.

We shouldn't be lemmings. Come on! We're Aggies, damnit!

We can be steadfast in our resolve. Control the things we can. We can be supportive even when things aren't going our way.

It's easy to destroy. Complaining, whining, mob justice. It's all easy lemming kind of stuff. But creation on the other hand is a b*tch. Let's do the tough job. Let's go create something good out of our lofty position as unpaid jurors in the court of irrelevant opinions.

People might think we're weird for supporting a losing team. But, hey, we're Aggies, right? We accepted the first time we put on a maroon shirt that we were going to be viewed as different. I relish that. We're tough minded and we drink cheap beer. We're loyal to a fault. And if that's weird, ok. I'll take it.

We just can't quit on these guys. I haven't seen a lot of quit in the players. Except for the OU game, we've been in every game this season. Yeah, we lost five of them, but we've been in them. We could just as easily be 10-2 (although clearly we aren't). This isn't a bad team. It's a good team in a bad place. I feel good about the people on this team, coaches and players alike. They are good individuals, good players, good representatives of Texas A&M. They will learn a lot from this season. They shouldn't have to do it under the weight of a fickle fan base.

No one on this email was alive the last time we won a national championship in football. I'm sure one more season of waiting will be fine. We just need to get back to who we are. Let's go out and hit someone on Saturday. Rough tough real stuff. If we finish strong it's still an eight win season. I'll take it.

Now, if you look at my request for a leap of faith as silly and preachy, you can always jump down my throat or tell me to jump in a lake. I'm a big boy. I can handle it. But, if you just don't like amateurish word play, I've got nothing for you. It's kind of my thing.

Gig 'em and Beat the Hell Outta Kansas!

-Chuck '96

If you can see past the anger and hate . . .

...you're definitely in the minority among Aggie fans. I personally have trouble understanding it. Maybe it's like mashed potatoes. They're fine. They're not great. They're just fine. But if it's all you had to eat every freakin' year maybe you'd start to get mad. Maybe you'd get so mad that the idea of more mashed potatoes would make you want to punch someone? And then post about it on the internet. A lot. And so, it seems, the prospect of another 8 win year has got a lot of fans upset. We lost another game and people are wound up about it.

Sure it was a top ten team, but we still lost another game. It's time to get out the torches and pitchforks. It's time to warm up the tar and pluck the feathers off a chicken or two. There's nothing left to be done but a good old fashioned witch hunt. Because, it's a certifiable, bonafide fact that we lost to OU on Saturday up in Norman, Oklahoma. I was there and there's just no way around that. There is no alternative.

Or is there?

You see, I googled "Time Travel" and lo and behold, I was able to buy two time trips from a site in the Netherlands (not the same as the "Nether Regions", Paul, you need a passport to get there). And, I used my first trip back in time to garner fabulous wealth for myself so I could live a movie star's life and shower the program with money. But I found the super models and big yachts shallow and unfulfilling, so I used my second trip to undo the first one and now I'm out of time travel vouchers. On the plus side, I feel better about myself and now I know who wins American Idol this year. Oh well, I tried to bend the laws of time and space and apparently that's still not enough for us to win all our games.

I guess everyone will just have to remember 2011 as the year we didn't go undefeated and didn't win the national championship in football.

I just don't think it's as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Our defense did pretty well. Sure, OU hung 28 on us in the 3rd quarter last weekend, but OU started three of those possessions inside the A&M 40. When OU started in their own territory they only scored on 3 of 12 possessions. But, when they started in A&M territory they scored on 4 of 7 possessions. You can try to blame the defense, but the defense didn't ask to start SEVEN possessions with their backs against the wall. For comparison, A&M started every single possession on their own side of the field.

Offensively I thought we were pretty even with OU. We scored on 4 of 18 possessions (all started in our own territory) and had two uncharacteristically missed field goals in the mix. We had 527 yards of offense (5.7 / play) vs. 404 yards (4.7 / play). They didn't sack us at all. Except for the turnovers, this was really a pretty decent game.

Man I hate turnovers. The four turnovers definitely cost us this game. Again. They have cost us every single lost game this year. That's not to say we would have won absent the turnovers. Who can know for sure? It's just that this game didn't appear competitive from the box score when in reality it was. You'll just have to take my word for it.

It's now officially time to focus your attention on the Kansas State game. think, think, Think, THINK! FOCUS!! Concentrate!!!!

Are you focusing? What did you come up with?

What a silly mascot.

I'm just saying. K-State isn't that interesting to me.

The K-State story actually parallels A&M's pretty well for the last several years. You see, Kansas State has also had a rough run this decade. They replaced a legendary coach with something else. It didn't work. Sound familiar?

But then three years ago someone staked out the Luby's handicapped parking spots before the 4:30 dinner rush and caught Bill Snyder by the arm. They confused him with the Medicare Plan B pamphlets and talk of a donut hole and while he was telling a story about "the big one" they got him to sign a contract to return to coaching. Don't let the hover-round fool you. He's still plenty wily for a man from the greatest generation. He's got a solid 7-2 team and didn't lose to Missouri, so he's got a Sans-a-Belt leg up on the Yankee from College Station. We'll need to be ready.

And I think we will be ready. For one thing, I honestly believe we're a better team than they are. We held OU and OSU to 71 points. Not great, but it's better than the 110 point KSU held them to. And our defense has gotten better each week. If you go back and actually look at the games you'll see this to be true. I think we'll be able to score on those Wildkitties.

So buckle up the Barcalounger and tune in the old boobtube to ABC at 2:30 tomorrow. When we get done jarring those corn-fed teeth loose, it'll take more than a tube of Bill's Fixodent to get 'em all back in place. Tomorrow we set things straight.

Gig 'em and Beat the Hell Outta Kansas State!

-Chuck '96